Skater of the Month: Angry Topaz

Rocky Mountain’s February Skater of the Month has been honored by many prestigious institutions and publications: The Foundation for Snap Chat Derp Face, The Organization for People who think Dogs are People Too, Baskin Robbins Lifetime Achievement Award and Best Amateur Taxidermist and Vaudeville Performer Quarterly. We are now proud to add to that stack of distinctions by acknowledging Angry Topaz as our Rocky Mountain Skater of the Month.

Raised by yak herders that emigrated from somewhere deep in the EU bloc to the icy steppes of Pennsylvania, Topaz developed her love of wheeled things by inventing a “prairie board” constructed of an old wash tub she found behind the barn and the wheels from a ’52 Chevy Impala. She rode this around to herd the recalcitrant beasts on her family’s commune with greater effect, clad in the traditional garb of her family, a ghillie suit and mukluks. After passing the traditional coming of age gauntlet all women in her family must complete to be accepted into womanhood (eating 12 lemon meringue pies while shooting tin cans off the turkey enclosure and then belching “Baby Got Back”), Topaz went onto higher learning in A City where she majored in Star Wars Fan Fiction with a minor in Chemical Engineering.

One day, a recruiter for a local derby team saw Topaz hurtling down the main street of Town on her prairie board with several orphans in tow that she was saving from a mine cave in. The skater followed Topaz to the hospital and suggested she try roller derby. Topaz, who was busy accepting the keys to the city said she’d come give it a look. The rest, they say, is history.

Topaz decided to move away from A City after defeating a corrupt gang of officials from City Hall that wanted to levy heavy taxes against ducklings. She moved to Colorado where she enjoys snowboarding and outdoor activities with her husband Dan, whom she won in a game of blackjack in 2011. Topaz found her forever home with Rocky Mountain and has since made it her business to help steer our ship with as much wiliness, patience, and dedication as it took to make a bunch of unruly yaks yield to her will. She was drafted to the Red Ridin’ Hoods and never fails to spread their message of polite and ladylike decorum. Topaz is a top member of Team Heckle, both for Project Mayhem with which she is heavily involved, as well as the Hoods, never failing to bring the ruckus to a bout or pre game smack talk.

Topaz currently serves on the Rocky Board of Directors and seems to be in about 20 places at once with the amount of work she puts in, with the Board, the League, the Juniors and her committees. We are blessed to call Angry Topaz teammate and friend. Consistent, fair-minded and extremely funny Topaz can always be counted on to be there as a trainer, a Captain, a BOD Member, a team mate and a friend (except for those few days out of the month where she turns into a werewolf and ransacks her home region of Louisville).
Rocky Mountain would like to give Topaz our thanks, our love, and an industrial sized pallet of conversation candy hearts for being our February Sweet Heart and an all-around outstanding member of our community.