Expectation pools heavy on the darkening air as people cozy down onto blankets and into chairs, eager for the coming show. As the veil of night draws everyone deeper into its’ folds, the watchers begin to mummer in restive eagerness. Will it ever be time?

Just as the smallest of the children begin to grow fidgety and restless with anticipation, just as someone begins to head for the can, just as you begin to think – What the hell, I might as well go back for another scoop of potato salad, chub rub has already burned a hole on one inner thigh today- the first of the fireworks explode across the sky in a startling and inspiring show of bright force, each denouement of the previous display eclipsed again and again by the rising crescendos, and you find yourself pinned to the spot, riveted by the spectacle as the crowd gives a collective sigh of, “Ooooh…. Awww….”.

Have we set the scene for you? Good. Now swap out “fireworks,” for “Melter Skelter,” and we can get started talking about our July Skater of the Month.

Much like the majestic displays of annual rockets seen in parks and stadiums, RMRG’s Skelter burst onto the scene 2 years ago this September, pleasantly awing all onlookers, and continuing to outdo herself as time goes on.

Our gamine girl grew up on a dairy farm in upstate New York, played softball in college, tackle football and then rugby, thus setting a precedent for mild and lady like sports before finding roller derby. P.S. she also trained as a boxer with a member of the “Wonder Woman,” cast (P.P.S. although her chest protector is made of plastic, the Skelter Fruit did not fall far from Bronze Breastplate Tree of the women of Amazonia).

Stripling and svelte, Skelter (who joined derby with her partner’s daughter, Killer Kitten, was reportedly so uncoordinated the kid didn’t want to skate with her) quickly caught onto the whole wheel shoes things, pretty much it seems -to this viewer anyway- by sheer strength of will alone. Skelter never failed to doggedly hurl herself into the pack, and never let anything keep her down, even if that “anything,” was several bodies lying on her.

A cabinet maker by profession, Skelter’s duties to the Rocky Mountain Rollergirls include the Events and Sponsorship committees, doing many bar things, and being the Warehouse’s [Motorbutt’s] Dogsbody, an unofficial but nonetheless grueling position. Such unspecified but vital tasks included Skelter- swoon worthily striding about in a masterful fashion clad in a tank top and angle grinder- helping finish up the spectator wall that was required in order for Rocky to hold our WFTDA Sanctioned Besterns Tournament. Skelter was rostered to be a jammer on the Contender’s this year and did her team more than proud at Udder Chaos, April’s tournament, in Madison Wisconsin. Drafted onto the United States Pummeling Service, the Eagles greeted the scrappy jammer with open wings, just in time for the last Home Teams game where Skelter again displayed her sinewy mettle by jamming in two back to back games.

RMRG is proud to call Skelter our very own firecracker and would like to thank her for all that she does both on and off the track. Consistently humble, perpetually down to earth, a bunch of fun to be around and eternally ready to take a run-or a power tool- at the wall in front of her, Skelter really does light everything up around her.

(Author slowly backs away from article softly crooning, “You Light Up My Life.”)

Photo credit: Sophie Mercer

The weather is warming up (please disregard the thundering hailstorm we had recently and roll with this) and so it’s only fair that we pick one of our spiciest skaters, Sweet Dee StroyHer, for June skater of the month!

Dee originally came to RMRG from Las Vegas and the Atomic Roller Girls in 2017 and immediately fell in love with the Colorado weather. No one ever had to leave practice to go into the parking lot to pry her fingers off the steering wheel the first couple good snows we had and lead her inside to feed her nourishing soups and make soothing sounds.

Dee has two wiener dogs that she loves that only love her, and in addition to doing a killer job running her committee of NERD, she is also furthering the cause of our people by introducing another tiny skater into the world. Dee’s commitment and sense of humor make her a huge asset to Rocky Mountain and we dearly miss her on the track while waiting for her to produce her offspring. Happily, she doesn’t let anything slow her down and shows up to all the Rocky events anyway, as you can see from this profile picture at the Kill Scout’s Spring Mix Up (Chicks v. Bunnies) doing her best impression of a broody hen. Dee’s impish smile and tangy humor make her a much loved figure at Rocky, and we can’t wait to meet her newest project!

Her name must be only spoken in awed whispers or reverent ululations. Like Big Foot or the benefits of the Keto Diet, many opinions and theories circulate around her, some fact, others fiction. After being lifted out of their shoe leather by an eruptive hit from her stripling yet brawny frame-some claim that she is a FemBot created in an elite government lab, never aging and with pistons instead of joints under her flesh.

Others, after witnessing an effortless apex jump, maintain she is really Amelia Earhart, once lost in the Bermuda Triangle, then returned to earth by the preternatural spirits of the sea who gave her the gift of immortality. She came back with a distaste for airplanes, but still holds fast to a love of flying, only now doing it on skates.

What we do know, is that night hikers in Denver, Colorado, have reported strange gatherings under the light of the full moon. Deep in a sacred forest grove, devotees place a Swatch Watch and an old Jersey demarcated with the digits “88.” Bowing down, they let forth with the low rumble of her name that rolls like the tide against the trunks of the forest trees:
“ SHEEEE-WHOOOOOOOOO.”
Local anthropologists speculate that this is an annual ceremony devoted to the deity and April Skater of the Month, She Who Cannot Be Named, so that she will descend and bless the beginning of the skating season (and crops).

While theorists maintain that the entity known as She Who or “Hooter,” is really a spirit that manifests itself in a series of historical reincarnations, (currently they have discovered evidence that Joan of Arc was one such, and also that Hooter may have briefly inhabited the bodies of Bill Stevenson and Bob Saget), this version was originally from Chicago and brought her love of music, skate boarding and dad jokes with her when she moved to Denver. She lives with a hound named Ruby (“The Rubes”) and a fella named Jay, who does RMRG’s fantastic poster art, but who’s true talent is ubiquitous photo bombing.

One of the league’s OGs, She Who began skating in 2004, is the only original skater still with RMRG, only growing more formidable with time (see FemBot Theory). She was part of the 2010 WTFTDA Championship team and always steps up for anything that is needed. Like literally. ANYTHING. She served on the BOD, was captain of her home team the Hoods, takes part in a myriad of committees, and was RMRG’s WFTDA rep for years. Currently She Who wrangles our officials and officiates, a grueling and vital task, works on the Facilities committee for the new warehouse, plays in every game possible or refs for them. Hooters deity status is also enforced by the fact that she is what is known as “Triple Threat,” in the derby world, meaning she was a long-time jammer, and now pivot/blocker.

One of Hooter’s teammates says, “She Who is who I want to be when I grow up. She has no ego but is a total legend who is still somehow always trying to learn and improve.”
This is a common theme when people discuss the entity known as She Who. Mild mannered but with a penchant for hilarious non-sequiturs, She Who is a shape shifter on the track but will wave away any props given to her. This is why Rocky wants to toot Hooter’s horn even if Hooter is mute and wont toot. RMRG would like to light a candle at the alter of our friend and national treasure She Who, and we look forward to another century of watching her skate, or of reading about her next reincarnation as a guerrilla leader fighting for freedom in a developing country.

*“The legendary She-Who,” is an actual quote from a WFTDA announcer, look it up.*

Photo credit: Joel Glitner